Violence in families

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HealthWiki > Promoting Community Mental Health > Chapter 5: Violence and anger > Violence in families

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In this chapter:

 

In this chapter:

• Chapter 5: Violence and anger
• Gun violence
• Gender-based violence
• Violence in families
• Structural violence: Violence built in to our social systems
• Restorative justice to repair harm
• Anger

It’s quiet now, do you think they are done fighting?

Violence in the home can harm children in many ways. In addition to serious harm if they experience physical, sexual, or other forms of violence directly, children are harmed by watching one adult hurt another. Children cannot stop violence from happening, but they may wrongly blame themselves for being the cause of it. Violence between family members can leave a child feeling scared, confused, sad, anxious, or angry. These feelings can make focusing on school or getting along with others more difficult. Sometimes children respond to violence by acting out; other times, they become very quiet and withdrawn.

Experiencing or witnessing violence as a child can lead to adults imitating the situation they grew up with. This can create a cycle of violence that repeats generation to generation. Witnessing violence within the family may make a child believe that violence is a normal way to solve problems or show anger, and that even loved ones cannot be trusted.

Ending the cycle of violence by how we raise children

Children need to feel safe and loved. It is challenging to create a strong, loving family, especially for parents who were raised in an unstable or violent home or community (see “Structural violence”). Encouraging open and honest conversations within the family can help everyone understand each other’s feelings and concerns. Suggestions to help parents and caregivers end the cycle of violence and create a healthy environment at home include:

Be a positive role model by using respectful ways of communicating. Children learn by watching the adults around them. Show them how to handle problems and disagreements peacefully. When you’re upset, slow down. Then use words to explain how you feel rather than yelling. This helps children learn to solve their own problems in a peaceful way.

I shouldn’t have yelled at you. That was a mistake. I was angry about my work day and that isn’t your fault. I was wrong to yell.

Acknowledge your feelings. Use yourself as an example to show your child that it’s OK to feel emotions, even when it may not be OK to act on them. Teach them simple ways to manage feelings, like finger-holding or focusing on breathing (see Anxiety and Pause and rest), and talk about different words to describe emotions, such as frustrated, left out, and worried.

With an upset or angry child, first acknowledge their feelings. If they speak harshly to a sibling, say: “I see you’re unhappy and I’m sorry about that, but you know you can’t speak to your brother like that.” Remind your child that you understand how they’re feeling to help soften the blow of any consequences or discipline.

Be fair about discipline. Clearly explain household rules, and what is expected of everyone and them in particular. If a child doesn’t follow the rules, use “consequences” that are not overly severe and are related to the behavior, for example, taking away screen time if they misuse devices. That way the child will understand why their behavior is being corrected.

Recognize and praise good behavior. Parents and caregivers tend to focus on and criticize a child for what is not going well. Instead, regularly offer words of encouragement, small rewards, and special activities to provide positive feedback so children feel good about themselves and their relationships in the family and community.

Hope and healing from histories of trauma

Share family stories and cultural traditions to help teach children how to respect themselves and others. Southcentral Foundation is an Alaska Native-owned, non-profit health care organization. Their Family Wellness Warriors Nu’iju Program supports healing in communities whose cultures have been severely disrupted, as is true for many Alaska Native communities. One strategy is maintaining traditional practices through sharing stories on the radio and in person. This draws on community strengths to encourage storytelling as a way of teaching children, reminding adults: “Your resilience and your stories model how our words, our actions, our strengths have great impact on our little ones.

I remember learning how to cut fish at the edge of the river as a child. I watched my aunties as they made their perfect and beautiful cuts on their fish and they helped me learn how to hold the traditional knife. Once I was old enough, I then tried to cut fish on my own. Though my cuts weren’t perfect, and the knife frequently tore a hole through the skin of the fish, I remember the loving praise coming from my aunties: “You cut fish so good,” “You are a fast learner.” Hearing the gentle and loving words coming from my aunties inspired me and made me want to keep learning. Watching them and hearing their praise, I did learn, and today cutting fish is one of my favorite activities.

There are many ways to break the cycle of violence passed between generations. Some examples include Emerge Counseling and Education to Stop Domestic Violence, the Milpa Collective , and the Occupational Mentor Certification Program. These programs are so effective because they respond to the particular histories and needs of their communities.

This page was updated:18 Apr 2025