Hesperian Health Guides
Deciding if You Are Ready for Sex
HealthWiki > Where Women Have No Doctor > Chapter 5: Health Concerns of Girls > Deciding if You Are Ready for Sex
Being able to choose your sexual partner and when and how you have sex, without fear or pressure, are all part of good sexual health.
Most people have a lot to learn about what they like and what makes them comfortable when they have sex. You can learn from experiences that are good and ones that are not so good. See Chapter 12, “Sexual Health.”
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 I wonder if he likes me?
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Young women have sex for many reasons. Some do it to explore their bodies or because it brings them pleasure. Some want to have a baby. Some feel it is their duty as a girlfriend or wife. Some trade sex for things they need to survive, like money or a place to live. Others have sex because they think it will make someone love them more. Sometimes people make a girl feel that she should have sex before she is ready.
You can wait to have sex until you decide you are ready. Try to find a partner who you trust and feel safe with. Be sure you are both prepared for what could happen by having sex— both wanted and unwanted experiences. Know how to avoid unplanned pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections (STIs), and learn ways to prevent sexual violence. Sex is most enjoyable when it is something you choose to do and not the result of pressure from others.
For more information, see Chapter 13, “Family Planning,” Chapter 16, “Sexually Transmitted Infections,” Chapter 17, “HIV,” and Chapter 19, “Rape and Sexual Violence.”
What you should know about having sex
- You can get pregnant the first time you have penis-in-vagina sex.
- You can get pregnant any time you have penis-in-vagina sex without using a family planning method (even if it is only once).
- You can get pregnant even if your sexual partner says no semen or sperm came out.
- You can get an STI such as HIV if you do not use a condom when you have sex with an infected person. And you cannot tell by looking at a person if they are infected.
- It is easier to get an STI, including HIV, if you are a “receiver” during sex. (A receiver has someone’s penis in their vagina or anus during sex.) It can also be harder to know when you have an STI. There might not be signs, or signs may be inside your body where you cannot see them
Always use a condom for protection against STIs including HIV.
Having a relationship with limits on sex
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Building a loving relationship takes time, caring, respect, and trust from both sides. Sex is not the only way of showing someone that you care. Having sex does not make people fall in love.
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pressure to have sexYou can spend time together without having sex. By talking and sharing experiences you learn about each other—how you view life, decisions you would make together, what kind of partner and parent you would each make, and how you feel about each other’s plans for life. Touching each other (without having sex) can be satisfying by itself, and is not dangerous as long as it does not lead you to have sex when you do not want to.
Talk with your partner. If you are sure they are right for you, but you are not sure you want to have sex, talk about ways to wait. You may find that they are not ready for sex, either. If you respect each other, you will be able to decide together.
Talk to your friends. You may find that some of your friends are facing the same difficult choices. You can help each other find ways to have good relationships without sex. If it seems like many of your friends are having sex, keep in mind they may not be honest about their sexual lives. Some may say they have had sex when they have not, or say they have not had sex when they have. Young people often feel they must act like their friends to be liked or respected. This is called “peer pressure.”
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Protecting yourself if you are ready for sex
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| If your partner really cares about you, they will care that you begin to have sex when you feel ready. By pushing you, they may be showing you that they care more about their own needs than yours. |
When you decide you are ready for a sexual relationship, be prepared to protect yourself against pregnancy and infection. There are many ways to make sex safer. This means you have to plan before you have sex.
Before you have sex, talk about it. Let your partner know how important it is to protect yourself. If you find it hard to discuss, practice the conversation with a friend you trust.
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safer sexMany communities have people trained to provide condoms and other family planning methods. Talk to them or ask a health worker where to get a method of protection. If you feel embarrassed to ask, find someone you trust to help you. Some family planning clinics have special services for teenagers and may have trained teenagers as peer counselors who can give you information.
Since you cannot tell by looking if someone has an STI, including HIV, sex is safer only if you use a condom every time. Someone who has discharge coming from their penis or a sore somewhere on it has an infection and can pass it to you if you have sex without a condom.
If you have sex and notice a new discharge from your vagina, sores on your genitals, or pain in your lower belly, you could have an STI. See Chapter 16, “Sexually Transmitted Infections.”