Hesperian Health Guides
Being there for people
HealthWiki > Promoting Community Mental Health > Chapter 2: Stresses affect mental health > Being there for people
How to offer emotional support
If someone lets you know they are going through a rough time or if you think they are, it’s common to not know what to do or say. The good news is that just being there for someone can be extremely helpful. In fact, for some people just knowing that someone is thinking about them, someone cares, someone will visit now and then, can make a real difference in their mental well-being.
- Once you feel ready to listen, check if the person is OK with you asking.
“If you are OK talking about it, tell me how it’s been going for you lately.”
If the person is not ready, mention you’re available if they change their mind
- Listen more than you talk and let the person talk freely. Use questions that get the person talking instead of questions where the answer is “yes” or “no ”
“Tell me more about that.”
“And how did that feel?”
- Offer empathy and reassurance. Be affirming when appropriate.
“I can see it was a hard situation where you did your best.”
“Sounds like you learned a lot from that.”
- Stay calm and be patient.
“We can just be quiet with these feelings for a minute.”
“Thank you for sharing that.”
- Do not make assumptions or minimize what they are feeling or experiencing. Choose words that show you are open to and not judging what they share.
“That isn’t something I know much about, so I’ll learn from whatever you can explain about it.”
“I am sorry to hear people keep telling you, ‘It’s no big deal.’ I can hear that it was a big deal.”
- Focus on not giving advice. It is tempting to think you can help people fix their problems, but they are the only ones who can decide how to handle their situation. It can take a lot of restraint not to give them solutions! Instead, ask about what seems to work for them already and what they want to do about their situation. Offer to help find more information only if you know you will follow through. Remember, sometimes listening is enough.
“Say more about what worked for you last time this happened.”
“That’s a great idea. Do you know what is stopping you from trying that?”
“Do you want help looking into some options for that?”
“You don’t have to decide right now. This is something you can think about.”
Peer counselors strengthen ties and build resilience
Finding and training people who have had similar experiences or are from a specific community to help others with similar backgrounds or situations is called peer counseling. Peer counseling often works best because the counselors understand the experiences of community members and are trusted differently than outside professionals.
Mujeres Unidas y Activas (MUA) is a California-based organization of immigrant Latina and Indigenous women workers. Members speak Spanish but many also speak Mam, a Guatemalan indigenous language. MUA’s mission is to increase their members’ personal and community power, and use civic-political participation to achieve social and economic justice. Members are directly in charge of MUA advocacy campaigns, and each person gains skills by lobbying, calling representatives, giving testimony, and taking to the streets to stand up for workplace health and safety and women's rights.
MUA’s practice is centered on mutual support. MUA has helped hundreds of women get out of situations of domestic violence, and trains members to gain leadership and legal advocacy skills. The MUA peer counseling program, Clínicas del Alma, builds leadership and is a part of healing. Trained members are available to support others, especially new participants, providing a space for each woman to speak freely about what is on her mind without fear of judgment. The organization is a space where respect, confidentiality, trust, and empowerment are woven into everyday interactions and all aspects of carrying out the work.
Activity
Practice being a good listener
If your group members are new to each other, talk about how to take in other people’s experiences while keeping your heart and mind as open as possible. It can take practice to set aside our own ideas and to listen without assuming we know more than what we are being told. This is especially true when people have different experiences due to where and how they grew up or live now. Practice listening. The group divides into pairs. One person talks about a topic for 5 to 10 minutes, picking from a few prompts. For example: “Talk about something that is challenging in your life,” or: “Describe an issue the community is facing.” Their partner listens without commenting except to encourage the speaker to say more. As a listener, show you are paying attention with your expressions and by facing the speaker. Then the two people switch roles. When they are finished, they consider how well it worked. They ask each other questions like:
- What did I do that made you feel I was listening?
- Did anything make you feel I wasn’t listening closely enough?
- When it was your turn to listen, what was hard about it?
- If you wanted to start responding while you were listening, how did you stop yourself?
Then have a general group discussion about ways to best show listening and concern. Discuss how listening sometimes includes talking, such as asking questions, sharing experiences, and saying, “Thank you for sharing that,” or “I understand.”
Remember, when you do not understand something, you can ask the person to explain more
Variation. To have the group reflect on the natural tendency to want to give advice, have the listener give lots of advice about the problem presented, even to the point of being pushy. When the partners talk about it afterwards, they can say what it felt like to get advice. Then try again, focusing on giving support, not advice.