Noticing how we react to others and what to do about it

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HealthWiki > Promoting Community Mental Health > Chapter 9: Helping ourselves to do this work > Noticing how we react to others and what to do about it

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In this chapter:

 

In this chapter:

• Chapter 9: Helping ourselves to do this work
• Noticing how we react to others and what to do about it
• Knowing when the stress is too much
• Stronger now, stronger in the long run

People are not as separate from one another as it sometimes seems. We affect one another’s emotional and even physical states, often without realizing it. When one person in a room yawns, others may begin to yawn too. Emotional responses, such as impatience, ridicule, being dismissive, and others, also can spread through interactions. Being aware of how your own history and situation may affect or be affected by other people’s emotions, frame of mind, and patterns of interacting can help your work with others move foward and avoid getting off track.

Working with people you find “difficult”

If you facilitate groups, are involved in peer counseling, or simply are in contact with lots of people, there will be some you or others find hard to work with. Maybe they ignore what you or others say, talk a lot, or are easily angered. When you find a person “being difficult,” try to understand what it is about them that bothers you. Sometimes, it is because our usual way of relating, maybe one we have been trained to do, just doesn’t work with them. Sometimes it is because they remind us of someone we had problems with in the past. And sometimes, it is because they limit the participation of others. Whatever the cause, our response to their behavior can make a one-on-one conversation or a group process go off track. It can help to remember:

• The problem is not because of you. The person may be having a bad day, feeling a lot of anxiety, be under extra stress, or have limited social skills. If you are prepared, you can remain calm and tell yourself: “This doesn’t have to do with me. They want to draw me in, but I won’t let that happen.” This can prevent you from responding negatively or with anger to a difficult interaction.
• Even if you don’t fully understand why the person is acting a certain way, use your self-awareness to understand why the person is generating a reaction in you, perhaps because of the person’s inner “story”. Focus on how not to get pulled into an argument or unhelpful exchange.

That’s a stupid thing to tell people. That doesn’t work.

Sometimes I will offer things that don’t work for everyone. I don’t think it will be helpful to argue about it now. Let’s agree to disagree for now and we can revisit it later.

When a person you are trying to help is hard to help. The stress and frustration that often motivates people to look for help can make them interact in less than positive ways. You can aim to set a tone and create an environment that promotes respect, both to and from your co-workers and to and from anyone looking for help. Posting reminders for appropriate respectful behaviors can help—the organization’s rules or perhaps a calming or humorous poster on a waiting area wall. But you may also want to have a specific plan about what to do when a person is rude or insults the person trying to help them or others in the space.

Most staff at our drop-in site for testing street drugs can relate to hardship and try to accept people where they are at. But sometimes people don’t love you back. If someone becomes verbally abusive— maybe they say something racist or homophobic—a co-worker will step in immediately and the person who was attacked can leave—it’s not their job to put up with it or to defend themselves. The co-worker can say, “We don’t talk to people like that and we’d appreciate it if you don’t use that language here. That’s why she left. I’m going to help you instead. Now what can I do for you?” This is how we signal: “Hey, that’s not cool.” We want to be clear without further escalating the situation.

How to think about people’s inner “stories”

A person might not be aware of their behavior patterns or the stories they tell themselves, even when these are a deep part of how they see themselves or what drives them. These patterns can affect what they expect of you or cause you to react a certain way. Here are some examples. “Everyone betrays me or ends up abandoning me.” Sometimes a person is so convinced this always happens to them that they act to make it come true. As a helper, you might think you can change their pattern if you are trustworthy and extra helpful. But if they believe everyone will fail them, they may decide you have let them down no matter what. Instead of telling yourself that you failed, or feeding their belief that you failed, see if instead you can step outside their story.

I see that you have lost trust in me. But I will still be here next week and I hope you will be too so together we can keep trying to meet your goals.

“If I’m not the center of attention, I will not get what I need.” As good listeners we often try to give people what they want, even those who demand constant attention. But it may never be enough. Meanwhile, others in a group may get frustrated if one person and their needs dominate. This can lead to disruption, provoking the person to leave abruptly to avoid not being the center of attention or cause someone else to leave the group. You may not be able to prevent it, but you may be able to maintain the group by saying something like:

I am sorry that Anne felt she needed to leave. I’m not sure what happened but it was certainly upsetting. Are people ready to return to what we were discussing or should we first check in on how we are feeling?

I’m sorry that talking together today has stopped feeling helpful to you. Let’s stop for now, but I hope we’ll get a chance to try again.

If it is just the two of you when the person gets upset or lashes out, you might just end the interaction for the moment.

There are many other deeply-held stories. If you find yourself acting differently for a person, you may have been pulled into playing a role in their story. Perhaps you are working extra hard for them while paying less attention to the needs of yourself or others. Maybe you find yourself avoiding them, or not giving them your best skills, or showing annoyance. When this begins to happen, take a moment to reflect and ask: “What about this doesn’t feel right to me?”

You don’t have to figure out the other person’s whole story or talk to them about it. Usually, people (including ourselves) are not aware of their powerful inner stories and their effects—it is just how things are for them. It can take a long time for them to change, and unless they are willing to talk openly with you about it, they may feel you are blaming or judging them if you try.

When I see someone has a certain way of being, I figure that’s their business. I don’t justify my role to them—that’s my business! But I can change how I act with them. If I go out of my way a lot to help them, for example, I can change the pattern: “My schedule won’t let me continue to make calls to set up your appointments. Maybe someone else can help until you feel OK doing it on your own.” Setting limits may lead to the person finding a better solution. But in any case, it helps me stay clear in my role and available to all the people I am committed to helping.

When issues feel too close to our own experiences

Sometimes it can be hard to work with people who are struggling with the same issues we have struggled with ourselves, for example, when a survivor of domestic abuse is supporting someone facing a situation very similar to their experience. Knowing yourself and your reactions, and thinking through your limits can prepare you to better respond.

• Wounds may never completely heal. When yours are touched, how will they trigger your grief or anger? What can you do to prepare for those moments? What support will you need during and after?
• What worked for you might not work for others. Allow each person to find their own path through their situation and toward healing.
• Plan when, how often, and with whom you can talk about how the work makes you feel.

If you find yourself continually reliving your own trauma, you might want to work instead with people whose experiences differ from your own. Or perhaps you can provide support without being the person who listens or counsels directly. It is not a failure to be unhappy doing work that harms you.

Our volunteer peer counseling group helps people who were recently incarcerated and are struggling. Having been there ourselves, we want to help, but some days it can be really hard to listen. We are strict about all counselors meeting every 2 weeks to reflect on our own feelings, to release and process them. Sometimes we talk about setting better boundaries between this work and our own experiences, but mostly we don’t focus on “what to do.” Just knowing we have this space for ourselves helps.

This page was updated:18 Apr 2025